WHEN PARENTING IS HARD

Ever since I can remember, I wanted to be a mom. I remember just always feeling like it was what I was made to be. I always loved babysitting and couldn't wait for the day I had a little munchkin of my own!

Well, flash forward to present day, and I suppose one could say I was "right" with that intuition :) Mom of Five -- never a title I thought I'd have, but most certainly the one I am most proud of.

AND, most certainly the most difficult one I ever think I'll have, too.

Emma is now six (and almost a half, as she'll remind you) and, thus, I have that many years and months parenting experience. And still, each day challenges me in new ways, most of the time making me feel like I have absolutely no idea what I'm doing. How old do your kids have to be for you to feel like you finally have all of the answers? Oh, never, you say? OK, great. 

I know I am an abundantly blessed mom. My kids are healthy, and, more times than not, they are polite, well-behaved, loving and fun to be around.

BUT, then there are the times that, well ... they're not. And that's hard. Which, in return, makes parenting really hard.

At our house currently, we seem to be in the midst of a season with an excessive amount of whining (oh the whining! Why can't you just go away forever?!), bickering, back-talking, and boundary-testing. Fun, huh? I'm sure you all are going to be lining up to want to hang out with us now!

I've found myself short on patience, and have lost my temper more times than I care to admit. Simply put, I've just kind of felt a bit overwhelmed lately.

Now, this isn't to say that there aren't pieces of sunshine amidst all of that rain -- like Finley and Beckett randomly holding hands just because, or peaking in to find Emma and Finley snuggling like this (after a full day of arguing with one another, mind you) in the middle of the night:

When you're in the thick of it (parenting) it's sometimes hard to stop and see the blessings right in front of your eyes. It can feel like a constant cycle of cleaning up messes, loads of laundry, dirty diapers, dishes in the sink, snotty noses, crying, and (fill in the blank).

But, if you can stop and take a closer look, it's also the little voice who spills her glass of milk to add to that mess, but looks and innocently says, "Sorry, mama!" and runs to get a paper towel to help clean it up; it's the almost two-year-old boy who, amidst the countless loads of laundry, sees you loading the dryer with wet clothes and runs in and says "I 'elp!'"; or the soon-to-be first grader who tries to help out with those dirty dishes by eagerly rinsing her dinner plate in the sink and successfully places it in the dishwasher; the baby with that snotty nose who gives you a big smile once you've finally sucked it out; or the giggles you can sometimes get out of any one of them when they start to fuss, and you start tickling them under their chin and turn that frown upside down.

You see, what I'm learning is parenting is all about attitudes - and no, I'm not just talking about the attitudes of the kids (although good attitudes definitely help!). It's about the attitudes of us as parents.

I believe, that if you look deep enough, you can find a blessing in just about everything that happens. It's kind of like that Mr. Rogers quote:

"When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, "Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping."

The "helpers," in that scenario are the blessings. And, in tough times of parenting, I think it's important to look for those little helpers/blessings. They aren't always easy to see, or won't necessarily be the thing you want to focus on. But ... They. Are. There.

I am so crazy thankful to be a mom, and I don't ever want to take that for granted. I once read that the way we talk to our children becomes their inner voice. I try to remind myself of this when my patience is low (like it has been as of late). How I choose to respond to their behavior has a direct impact on who they become. They practice what they see, and how they are treated, and become what we make them feel they are. 

I don't know about any of you, but I want that inner voice of theirs to be one that is full of love, grace and confidence. Today's world is a tough one, and if there's two things I hope my kiddos never forget is that:

1. God loves them. Always!
2. Mommy and daddy love them. Always!

So, if any of you, like me, are in a season where parenting is challenging you a little more than usual -- hang in there. Look for those little blessings wherever you can, no matter what those may be. And, when in the thick of it, try to sprinkle in a little grace, and a whole heck of a lot of love (and I'll be right there trying to do the same!).

***

Anyone else being challenged lately? What are your parenting tips when in the thick of it?!

BREASTFEEDING FOR TWO

"Breast is great, fed is best."

I remember reading that on one of my friends' Instagram posts awhile back, and I definitely believe it to be true (she's a totally awesome mommy blogger, too - check her out if you haven't already!).

One really common question I get from people is, "Are you still breastfeeding?" And, when I say that I am, most people are shocked. I'd be lying if it didn't shock me sometimes, too ... 

I've been lucky in that I've been able to breastfeed each one of our kiddos; Emma for six months, Finley for nine months and Beckett for 11 months (I joke that he'd still be breastfeeding had we not gotten pregnant with the twins -- that kid refused a bottle as hard as he could!). However, I realize this isn't the case for a lot of mamas, and there are many great reasons as to why a mom simply can't, or doesn't choose, to breastfeed.

When we found out about the twins, after my initial worry of how I'd ever learn how to hold two babies at once (this makes me chuckle now), my anxiety quickly shifted (and remained focused) on how I'd possibly ever breastfeed two babies at once?! Despite all of the anxiety, I really wanted to try.

I set a goal of six months. Somehow, I was going to make it six months -- whether that was through exclusively pumping, or breastfeeding, or a combo of both. I've had my eyes set on the six month goal, and even though I know it's not true, I feel like if I "give up" before then, I'd receive a failing grade in the nonexistent 'feeding category' (I'm a pretty competitive person, and this time, I think I'm competing with myself).

Initially, right after Campbelle and Sutton were born, I exclusively nursed them in the hospital. But, they were SO tiny ... well tiny to us anyway (in case you missed how large our previous babies were, you can catch up here). That, along with being sent to the NICU almost exactly 24 hours after their birth, the logistics and pressure in knowing exactly how many ML's they were taking in at each feed began to take a toll on me. So, I made the decision to no longer nurse, but to pump and bottle feed so we knew exactly what they were taking in, and could work towards getting home ...

And, it worked!

I got into a really good rhythm of pumping while feeding both babies (thanks to a hands-free pumping bra AND a Twin Z Pillow -- seriously twin moms, these are MUST HAVES!).

Every three hours like clockwork, I'd prep all of the bottles, hook myself up to the pump and feed. Feeding would take about a half hour to 45 minutes, then I'd detach, clean pump parts, get the bottles ready and put them in the fridge for the next feed and store the rest.

And, then ... repeat.

If this sounds exhausting, it's because it was. Full disclosure, I've always hated pumping. So, I really grew to resent my pump and every single feeding session. Pumping for six solid weeks around the clock made me feel isolated. Looking back, I think it was because I mourned that same bonding experience I had while nursing my other three.

So, one day, I just decided to try to get them to latch ... and Sutton did! She ate for a few minutes and then conked out ... but she latched! I was thrilled. And, from that moment on, we pretty much exclusively made the switch to breastfeeding.

Now, to say the road has been all roses and rainbows would be a lie. It's been hard. Really hard at times. But, I've stuck it out. And, I've really enjoyed bonding with my girls in this way.

I knew in order for me to be successful with breastfeeding the twins, that I needed to learn how to tandem feed (ie: feed both babies at once). It simply wasn't going to work for me, given the other three kiddos in the house, to feed one for a half hour, then feed the other for a half hour. I needed to get them fed at the same time, in as little amount of time as possible.

In the hospital (prior to the NICU) the babies were simply too small for me to do this. But, at six weeks, I learned how to football hold them at the same time (again, thank you Twin Z Pillow!). I joined a 'Breastfeeding of Multiples' Facebook group, and it has been really helpful and a nice virtual support system to be connected to a bunch of women who are going through the same things. I am amazed at how many of them have breastfed twins for over a year. Seriously. So. Much. Respect.

Side note: Many people ask how you breastfeed twins, since when you are breastfeeding a singleton, you feed them on one side, then switch and feed on the other all in one feeding. With twins, you don't switch sides, they take in what they need just off of the one side per feeding. Some twin moms designate a twin a certain side, but I switch back and forth -- I don't need another thing to try and keep track of!  

I am happy to report that the girls are now five months old, and are happy and thriving! Dare I even say, a little chunky?! It makes my mama heart SO happy seeing those chunky thighs and cheeks -- those skin rolls are proof of all of our hard work!

And, it's all been thanks to that "liquid gold" as it's often referred to :)

However, it's been just over two weeks now, that I made the decision to start supplementing with formula twice a day.

For the few weeks prior to that, I felt like allllll they wanted to do was eat every hour (that is also as exhausting as it sounds). I just felt like I couldn't keep up. Now that they are bigger, they also are becoming more easily distracted, and logistically are just plain harder to hold in a feeding position at the same time!

Exhibit A: Sutton trying to eat, while Campbelle is distracted and messing around.

Almost immediately after making this decision, I felt this immense pressure lift. I didn't really realize how much stress being the sole food source for two little humans was causing me! It was a balance I didn't know I needed.

I'm not ready to be done breastfeeding, but I also recognize that sustaining the life of two babies at once is no easy task ... and it's OK to get some help :)

I'm not quite sure when my breastfeeding journey will end with these two, but I'm really proud of how far we've made it, and really proud of them for how well they have done.

Here's to all you other mamas out there! Whether breastfeeding or bottle-feeding, formula or breastmilk ... none of it is easy. Fed really is best.

Mama's little buddy! This is his favorite place to sit while I'm feeding the twins.

Snuggles with Finley while feeding Campbelle.

* * *

What made feeding your little ones easier on you? What were your biggest challenges and how did you overcome them? I'd love to hear! 

'DONUT' MIND IF I DO

As you know, Miss Finley turned five just a couple of days ago! But, what you may not, is that she has been mentally preparing for her birthday party since Christmas.

I kid you not.

She'd talk about the theme, the friends she wanted to invite, what they were going to do at her party ... She would color on notecards and put them in envelopes and want to go drop them in the mail saying they were her party invitations. I love the innocence of a child and how writing "Levi's House" and putting it in the mail is going to obviously go where it needs to. 

So, needless to say, there was some pressure to make sure this thing was a hit! After much deliberation, she finally landed on a 'PJs and Donuts' theme. And, I'm happy to report, it was a success!

Finley's PJ's read: "DONUT MIND IF I DO"

Her friends came over in their PJs and ...

We made "donut" necklaces and bracelets.

Donut Jewlery: Fruit Loops, Apple Jacks, pipe cleaners and yarn.

We decorated pillow cases.

We did Cereal Box puzzles.

And, of course, we ate donuts!

It was a great morning, and it's always fun to watch your children play with their friends and see how their little personalities come alive.

The three musketeers - daycare buddies since they were littles!

Thanks so much to everyone who celebrated with us! She is one blessed five-year-old to have such great friends. Happy Birthday, Finnie!

DEAR FINLEY: YOU'RE FIVE!

Finley May,

I'm not quite sure how it happened, but you are now FIVE. Five?! It seems like yesterday your daddy and I were headed to the hospital, bright and early, to meet you ...

All 8 lbs. 8 oz. of beautiful YOU!

And yet, here you are, beautiful, funny, head-strong ... among a thousand other things!

All five fingers!

So excited to be FIVE.

There are so many moments I try to take mental notes of in an effort to not forget how many smiles you bring to those around you, especially me ...

Like how you picked out the bedtime story tonight and could choose any book, and mommy promised to read it (since it was your birthday) and you chose '"Twas the Night Before Christmas."

Or, how first thing this morning after you had just come downstairs after waking up, you sat down on the coffee table and looked at me with bright eyes saying, "Mommy, yesterday my toes couldn't touch the floor! But, now that I'm five, look at them!"

Or, there was yesterday, when your brother spilled his cup of goldfish on the floor and Emma came over right away to help pick them up, and you followed behind. I thanked both of you for helping and you just looked at me and said, "I just wanted to eat some."

You make me smile every day, and also challenge me by showing me that the same way I parent to your siblings, isn't always going to work for you, too ;)

You are independent, and know what you like -- Ninja Turles, Spiderman and Shopkins, to name a few. You have your own sense of style, and love wearing your hair in "shaky ponies" (two ponies and you shake your head back and forth to make them fly around).

TMNT shirt and "rainbow cake" as requested.

You are mommy's little helper. You love to help me clean the windows, unload the dryer and set the table. You were given the option the other day to stay and play at home with Emma and your friends, or go to Target with me, and you chose me. You have no idea how that warmed my heart. In the car you said from the backseat, "Mommy, I don't want you to go anywhere without me again, OK?"

I admire so many things about you and the little person you have become, and continue to become.

I love how you do your own thing, and don't care what others think. I pray this stays with you as you enter kindergarten this fall. That you remain confident, strong-willed and a good friend to others.

I love how a little frog ice pack and bandaid can fix the worst (most non-existent) owies. How your favorite PJs are daddy's over-sized T-shirts. How much you love the color green, your stuffed animal (beany baby) "Tigey," and your "little owl blankey."

You are sensitive, yet determined. You take great pride in the artwork you make -- if it were up to you, I would frame each and every one of them and hang them on every wall of the house. But, the fridge for a couple of weeks at a time is almost the same in your book.

You love Jesus and reading your Bible. When you're scared, we tell you that you aren't alone and that Jesus is in your heart. I pray you never forget that. 

You look up to your big sister in a number of ways, but also love being a big sister to your siblings.

All of these things are what makes you so beautifully YOU. I wouldn't change a thing, and wouldn't trade being your mama, even for just a second, for anything.

You are my most favorite five-year-old on the planet, and I am so incredibly thankful to have had you enter my world five years ago.

I love you so very much. Happy Birthday!

Love,
Mom

I SCREAM, YOU SCREAM

I have a goal this week, but to really understand this goal, let's roll it back ...

During all four of my pregnancies, people would ask "do you have any cravings?"

I've always been a super boring eater; like "still order off the kids menu at weddings" type of boring (chicken nuggets and smiley face french fries? Yes, please!).

With each pregnancy, I found myself hoping to crave those weird things you hear pregnant women talk about. I always joked that maybe one of these pregnancies would turn me into a non-picky eater.

But, alas, boring I remained.

The only things I can somewhat claim to "crave" were ice cubes (a sign of iron deficiency) and ice cream (!).

Now, here's the thing with the ice cream. I have always been an ice cream lover (thanks for that, dad) but, I really don't think it was ever a craving, it was just a great excuse to not feel the least bit guilty about having a nightly bowl of ice cream (and take full advantage of that, I did!).

So good.

So, fast forward to my postpartum fitness journey this time around, and you'll understand my pure joy at discovering an ice cream that is both low in calories (I'm talking my favorite kinds have just 280 calories in the entire pint!) and high in protein.

Say, what?!

If you haven't yet heard about this heavenly dessert, let me just introduce you to Halo Top (heavenly/halo, get it??). 

Seriously, guys. Ever since I've discovered this stuff, I can't not go to the grocery store without leaving with a pint (or four). 

My favorite flavors are:

• Birthday Cake (280 calories\20 grams protein)
• Chocolate (280 calories\20 grams protein)
• Oatmeal Cookie (280 calories\20 grams protein)
• Strawberry (280 calories\20 grams protein)

Now, all four of these flavors just so happen to be the same in calories, but there are other flavors that have more -- I just like these four so much I figure, why bother with the others?!

The consistency of the ice cream isn't quite the same as "regular" ice cream; less creamy, more like sorbet or sherbert is my best way to explain it. But ... Still. So. Good.

So, what's my goal, you ask? I'm going to try and make it an entire week without one spoonful of this deliciousness.

Just thinking about it makes me depressed.

These cute little pints have become somewhat of a nightly occurrence for me, and no matter how hard I try to justify it as "getting all my protein in for the day," my brain reminds me that a health food they are not ...

So, wish me luck! And, the good news for any of you wanting to rush out and buy yourself some, there will be plenty stocked on the shelves at the Waukee Hy-Vee with me out of buying commission for a week.

(If I were Oprah, this is where I'd scream out "You get a pint, you get a pint and you get a pint!" Kind of like a car, right? Right.)

***

Any other Halo Top lovers out there? What are your favorite flavors?

MY SECOND FAVORITE HOLIDAY

I'm baaaack!

Man, life got busy! I've had all of these grandiose plans of things I've wanted to write about, AND THEN the lovely 4-month growth spurt hit, and I've found myself doing little more than spending my entire evenings with two extremely famished little babies -- I say it often, and with rolled eyes, but there is a very good reason God made babies cute.

But, alas, here I am!

And, speaking of busy, we are coming off of one of our busiest, and most fun, weekends of the year! Seriously, outside of Christmas, I think it's my favorite holiday to celebrate.

I LOVE holidays. I'm not quite sure what it is, but I think it probably has to do with the fact that I'm a "quality time gal." I love spending dedicated time with the ones I love most, and holidays seem to be an excuse to do just that. I love making memories as a family, and creating traditions that our kids will hopefully treasure as they get older.

The Fourth of July is a time where we squeeze in about as many things as we can every year, and I absolutely love it!

I wasn't exactly sure how this year was going to work out. I mean, fireworks plus loud parades, paired with 4-month-old twins, a 22-month-old, 4-year-old and 6-year-old ... what could possibly go wrong?!

Saturday
Our holiday began by heading over to celebrate with great friends of ours. For the past seven years we have been celebrating the Fourth with them. The party has shifted a bit -- all of us pre-kids, to now all of us with kids (some of us more than others!). And, it's been so fun to watch our kids now play together ... this year was filled with huge bounce houses, slip-and-slide (I think the dads may have enjoyed this even more than the kids), glow-in-the-dark necklaces, hot dogs, yummy deserts, and lots of laughs!

There are few things greater than watching your kids become friends with your friends' kids.

The closest I can get to describing the whole afternoon and evening is: pretty darn close to perfect! At one point, I even turned to Joey and said, "I think this is the first outing we've been on where it's actually been enjoyable and relaxing." That's not to say we haven't enjoyed anything in the past four months, but it was the first time where I felt like I could take a deep breath while out in public. The twins were happy and content in a way they really hadn't been before (and they had plenty of people wanting to hold them), Emma and Finley had a blast playing with their friends, and Beckett kept busy just by being outside (and even tested out the slip-and-slide with daddy). Joey and I were able to catch up with our friends and have a little adult time amidst all of the kiddos. It was great, and the best way to kick off our red, white, and blue festivities.

Annual moms + kiddos photo.

Annual dads + kiddos photo.

Sunday
Sunday evening, we ventured to our local mall for what we were planning to be just a picnic next to the pond where they were having live music. My mom invited us all out there -- she was packing the picnic and we were packing the kids. ;) There were fireworks scheduled once it got dark, but given the late night the night before, we were in no way prepared to stick around for that.

Buuttttt, once again, our angelic children surprised us! We spent over five hours eating, dancing, laying, walking, listening, laughing, and enjoying the outdoors and one another. Emma, Finley and Beckett even had their first Tropical Sno -- man did that take mommy back to high school!

Mommy and Sutton

Gigi/Campbelle (left)/Sutton (right)

We were having so much fun that we decided to stick around for fireworks. Unsure of how the twins or Beckett would do, we were prepared to have to run out of there if a full-blown screaming session developed among our youngest little trio.

However, Beckett could not have loved them more. The entire time he had the biggest smile on his face, and couldn't whip his head around fast enough to see the fireworks coming from all directions. I watched his face more than I watched any of the fireworks.

Beckett & Gigi watching the fireworks.

Oh, and the twins? I'll gladly show you what they were doing ...

Best. Babies. Ever.


Monday
Fourth of July Eve, our little patriotic duo, Emma and Finley, walked (for the second year in a row) alongside our church's float with my parents in the West Des Moines Parade. I was in the same parade when I was little, and I love watching my girls be in it with their Papa and Gigi (and more importantly, E & F love it, too!).

Beckett watching the parade with Uncle Mikey.

Afterwards, Finley said to me, "Mommy! Did you keep the postcard I handed you?" She loves being given a job and doing it until the end, and man, she was the best four-year-old-postcard-hander-outer I've ever seen!

Finnie handing mommy a postcard.

Tuesday
Fourth of July morning is likely my favorite part of the entire Independence Day celebration. Since Joey and I have been married, we have gone to the Earlham Parade with my grandparents. My grandpa is from Earlham, and it's been really special to build this tradition, and spend a little time in a place that is special to him. My grandma passed away a couple of years ago, but we have continued the tradition with my grandpa, along with my parents, brother and sister-in-law, and this year, my cousin and her husband.

We had a breakfast picnic prior to the parade, complete with my mom's amazing homemade cinnamon rolls. Seriously. The. Best.

The kids had a great time waving to the firetrucks, tractors and cars as they passed by -- Beckett even figured out that the cuter the wave, the better his odds of getting some candy were. He's a smart (and adorable) little cookie already!

Nothing makes me feel quite as accomplished as a mom than when we get a semi-successful family photo.

What more could they possibly squeeze in, you may ask?

How about our first family outing to the pool?

Yes, post-parade we decided to join my family at the pool, where the twins donned their itsy bitsy teeny wheeny little swimsuits for the first time. They laid in the shade, all of us taking turns with them, while the other three swam their little hearts out. Clearly, as you can see from the photos below, the twins needed to kick back and relax a bit more ...

Miss Emma Jo finally tried out the water slide we'd been pressuring her to try, and I think she went on it no less than 50 times during our time there. Finley on the other hand, tried it once and cried for a solid 10 minutes afterwards. She later told me she was "never going on it again in her entire life." Soooo, she's got that going for her.

Post-swimming, we headed home for the rest of the night, and all went to bed early ... skipping out on fireworks on the actual Fourth of July. But, we earned that right with all of our busyness, right?? ;)

A rare snuggle sesh with mommy, post ALL of the festivities.

* * *

What are you favorite holiday traditions?

Anything we need to add to our Fourth of July plans next year?